This document is pretty old. The level of immaturity throughout makes me wince now, but the general facts are still correct. I hope to get more time to write a better version soon.
1975. I can almost remember floating in a watery environment prior to birth, but for the most part I tended to hang around on the other side until well after birth itself. Physical incarnation wasn't exactly high on my list of favorites it seems. I grew up in a dreadfully boring place in the American midwest/northeast region.
Let's just say that things at home weren't entirely peachy for the first 10 years at all. In my opinion, no one should have to be treated in that way...but I cannot deny that it was educational and that it had a lot to do with my spiritual development and the burning off of past 'karma'. Such an environment also caused me to think about the nature of my reality and existence more so than other children perhaps.
The house I grew up in had an interdimensional problem that allowed it to be a point of concentration and flow of negative energies. I believe that this spurred on any inherent negativity in the other inhabitants of the house. Years later I learned how to fix this problem in a balanced way and noticed a drastic increase in the prosperity and emotional well-being of the other people living in that same house shortly after.
I had accidental astral projections at a very young age, and spoke to spirits on a regular basis without realizing it. I could sense energy and consciousnesses easily, but wasn't able to explain to adults what I was sensing and why I didn't like certain places. Thinking back, I recall many selfish parasitical and negative entities that would show up quite frequently when I was young. I was very receptive to manipulative influences at the time. Some of those entities that did spend time with me were also instructing me in simple aspects of magick. I distinctly remember experimenting with my personal energy field as though playing a game just because the idea came into my mind from seemingly no where. I know now that those thoughts were not mine, but those of other spirits.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my first impulse was 'a wizard' heheh. I didn't usually tell anyone this. Partly the desire for such elusive 'power' was to change my life situations since they were so terrible. This desire later became a problem however...this was the beginning of my struggle with an unhealthy sense of Ego. I tended to identify with the 'bad guy' on any movie I watched as a child since the dark ones seemed to have all the power. I realized later in life that those types of people are usually victims themselves, and are merely reacting poorly to their anger at being harmed. Lashing out at society for one's perceived wrongings doesn't make life any better. Controling others and harming those who wronged you will only create MORE problems and confound your situation later.
Because of my dissatisfaction with my quality of early life and forced attendence of Catholic services and teachings, I came to believe for a time that there must be no 'god' since none had ever protected me from the hands of those who should have been all along but weren't. I then went on to study other religions and the nature of divinity in an effort to find just what truth, if any, there was. Books on magick and the occult kept mysteriously finding their way into my house, although no one ever had an interest in those topics or intentionally brought them in. I first started finding them around age 8 and noticed that they just kept appearing well into my teens.
Around age 12 I lost a family member due to suicide and it had a disturbing effect on me. I thought about death a lot and was seriously unbalanced mentally and emotionally.
Around age 13 a profound depression became more common and I withdrew from other people. Ego-related distortions of thought were more common as well. I'm surprised I lived through this time period, with suicidal thoughts so prevalent. I spent my free time practicing my guitar since I figured it might get me some attention sometime and I was beginning to get good at it.
Somewhere around age 14 I started thinking more about mystical subjects and how they related to consciousness, reality, and even how music affected the consciousness. If I could've obtained hallucinogenic materials at this time I probably would've indulged heavily...good thing I didn't. It would've done more harm than good at that time.
I found information on the Qabalah and numerology around then and began reading up on techniques for astral projection. My misconceptions of the topic caused me to fail miserably when trying to do it at will, though everyday after school I would come home and engage in lucid dreaming.
I used astral work and lucid dreams as an escape from reality through much of my teens. Although I would tell people I was an atheist, I secretly knew and believed everything my intuition would tell me and had a very mystical outlook on life. I was practiting trance states and trying to see what reality was and could be. A desire for altered states of consciousness was intense. I wanted to see just how REAL everything truly was around me. I suspected that the physical realm was not as physical as it seemed.
A few Events:
I remember sitting with my eyes closed and headphones on in the high school band room waiting for a basketball game to start, when someone I knew came into the room and tried to sneak up on me. I felt his presence and knew his intention without opening my eyes since I was in such a relaxed state. I didn't see the room I was in vividly, but to me it felt like a darkness that had form when my eyes were closed. I 'felt' the presence of someone sneaking up on me and could almost see that person giggling to himself. I wasn't surprised at all when jolted, but I did think later on that the very act of feeling this was unusual for me. Such events reinforced my mystical outlook on reality.
Around age 16 - 17 during a normal night of sleep, I drifted out of body. The place I found myself was in a nearby city during the early morning. I could feel the breeze and smell it so I knew what time of the day it was. I was in a suburb with small houses in a run-down part of town. I looked up to notice that there had been a drive-by shooting and there were several people laying on the ground. A woman screamed and panicked in the front yard for a few minutes. I then slowly drifted backward and away and watched this scene grow smaller as darkness enfolded around it. After fighting to remain out of my body (as I usually did) I finally woke up and went to school. I was told later that day that there had actually been a drive-by shooting earlier in a nearby city.
Another unusual event occurred while sitting in an algebra class bored out of my mind around age 17. As I drifted off into a trance state, I saw what looked like angelic sigils carved into people's skin all around the classroom. Everyone in the room was virtually tattooed with these feint invisible scrawlings all over their bodies. As soon as I blinked they were gone. I later found similar sigils in medieval and renaissance grimoires for angelic/spirit invocations.
After high school I went to college and worked various jobs. The suicide of one of my closest friends forced me to return to my study of magick and the occult again. I had been drifting away from it and considering a life of music until that point. After he died, I and other friends felt his presence on a regular basis, and those old feelings of sensing presences returned to me. At the funeral I had to play a song that he had liked in front of a huge congregation of people, and the stress was just too great. I kept asking mentally for someone to help me through that before I went out onto the small stage. When it came time to me to play, my mind slipped away while (I believe my friend) someone else slipped into me. I saw only darkness and felt relaxed while I distantly heard myself playing music and singing. When the song was over, I slipped back into my ordinary awareness.
The thought of communicating with my friend after death was probably one of the biggest factors in my hunger for more practice and knowledge in magick. I did communicate briefly with him after he died in the form of a dream where he actually appeared to me and I became conscious during sleep. He did that on a few occasions, and even appeared to me while awake. When I was practicing my guitar; I would suddenly have the urge to play an old song that I hadn't played since my friend was around. I'd then look up at the corner of the room to see a mild distortion of the air there (like looking through gasoline fumes) and feel a sad presence. Sometimes I would just think I smelled cigarette smoke even though there was none around and then I'd turn to look and feel him checking up on me again.
I kept feeling the presence of my friend with me from time to time, so I decided to pay a visit to his gravesite. It was there that I picked up my first serious vampiric entity. The lack of personal auric defenses as well as other openings caused by depression allowed the easy entry of parasitic entities. I instinctively 'knew' that I had picked up something negative that very day but regularly brushed off such things like most people do who are still bound by their logic and reasoning faculties. That night at another friend's house I sat in a dark kitchen feeling rather down and lonely as usual. Suddenly I felt a huge legion of darkness behind me in the room that felt like a multitude of other beings. I then felt the location of everyone in that house and saw them as batteries to be consumed. In this strange otherworldly state of mind, I found myself walking down the basement stairs to where my other friends were. I stopped at the foot of the stairs still feeling their life energies and holding a knife. When someone thought they heard something they yelled and told me to come in and have a seat, but I was already there in the room with them. When questioned about myself, I remember announcing irritably that the person they were referring to was "a dead fucker." I was clearly possessed at this point and my friends were very frightened by my behavior. Within a few minutes I snapped out of this strange state, and it was all I could do to push these foreign thoughts out of myself. Not realizing totally what was happening to me, I kept switching into altered states of mind where I would look at one of my friends and see straight through their skin, muscle, and bones. Energy jolts also occurred when I would lock hands with one of them. In the back of my mind I knew that this was very wrong and not like me at all, so I continued to fight off the invasion of my mind. Within 3 days to a week it was gone.
Completely desperate to find an explanation for these continued occult-related occurances, I got in contact with a friend-of-a-friend who had been a Satanist (LaVey style- just humanism really), thinking that he might be able to offer some suggestions. He didn't really know much about what had happened, but over the next several months of talking with each other we did manage to wean ourselves off our anger toward society and christianity in general. I found that my true interest was in self-improvement and higher Magick and became fascinated by the Golden Dawn. Because of this fascination, I sought to be initiated into any modern day orders that were in practice. There was one problem with this whole idea though. I was extremely ignorant as to what 'Initiation' was, and had so many misconceptions about magick that I was ripe for more manipulation by untrustworthy sources!
Thinking foolishly that the Golden Dawn and similar organizations were the best possible things ever, I wished that I could get in contact with some real practitioners of higher magick and begin this process of self-improvement and personal exploration. My intentions were honest. Power wasn't what I was looking for at all, but nice, quiet, calm, educational experiences. I was in for the ride of my life and didn't even know it!!!
I was sitting in front of the TV one day alone in my house. I didn't have a job at the time and was waiting for the next semester of college to begin. Without warning, a vision overtook me. It felt like the most intense but realistic daydream I had ever had in my life, but carried with it information that was too intense and too real to be ignored. What I saw and felt was that I was riding around in a car with a man who was associated with a relative of mine. I understood him to be a practicing magickian who had studied the works of Aleister Crowley and others. I knew everything (I thought) about him from that one vision, and also knew that he was coming to visit me soon.
When this man arrived in my presence, I felt extremely drained and could not think clearly at all when he was around. I mistook that feeling to be his 'personal power' in an attempt to rationalize why I felt that way in his company. Since it was summer, there were quite a few opportunities for Barbeques and other situations where I would have the chance to speak with him. I pressured him relentlessly for 3 whole days with constant obscure hints and references to magick, when finally he spoke to me apart from the rest of the group. The word Thelema was what apparently had caught his attention. He then admitted in private that he had studied magick and (according to him) advanced quite far. I asked about several things including Initiation, since I thought that it was necessary for one to practice magick and really didn't have a clue about what it was. He didn't say much of anything to me about the subject and kept quiet with only vague hints, and mentioned that we would be in contact via email.
I spoke a few times to him through email but he never really mentioned much practical information or offered to teach ANYTHING. He only provided a vague set of hints, book references, and then proceeded to impose his personal (and distorted) spiritual views upon me in a set of instructions. (I did eventually receive 'Initiation' through him however, and even figured out how and what was done at the time.). Being young and stupid, I went along with everything. My upbringing had left me completely socially retarded and way too trusting at that time. Many of these clues should've been a tip-off that something was very strange and wrong here.
I met my first skilled magickal friend shortly after becoming involved with that other person (in the hope of learning something) and he couldn't have come at a better time. This new friend saw me spying at some hermetic information online in a computer lab and introduced himself. We spoke for a long time that night and discussed personal spiritual experiences, then we didn't speak for a few weeks. I eventually began hanging out with this person a bit once I discovered his routines since I really wanted to get to know as many magickal people as I could. I was hungry for knowledge and experience. He finally introduced me to a few of his other friends (at least one was extremely talented with spiritual communication and highly psychic), who didn't totally care for me...ok so I was still a little unbalanced and probably felt disturbing to be in the same room with. Regardless of what they thought of me, I did happen to be present at a psychic/spiritual communication event with them that was supposed to be just a recreational activity in which the one person would be speaking to one of her spirit friends. I was very skeptical of this before it began, but as soon as she started the channeling process I felt a rush of energy swoop down from the ceiling! Within minutes I was seeing the same scenes and getting the same information as she was due to my close proximity. Never before then had I seen someone intentionally performing such a feat. I knew at that point that what I was experiencing was real, and I was surprised that I was able to pick up on it with no possibilities for suggestion or mass hysteria (as the skeptics would say). Within a couple hours of asking questions about the nature of reality and other miscellaneous trivial things, I put forth a question of my own. Everyone was getting along in the room and seemed to be enjoying themselves at that time, so no one thought anything of my question really. I asked about the magickian I had met and had been trying to get information from, and the response we received surprised and shocked all those in attendance. It was then that I was informed that I had been manipulated all along, and that this man was involved in intentional psychic vampirism. No WONDER I slept for hours and woke up still feeling tired! He was also described by those helpful spirits as a perpetual liar, and not to be trusted. Virtually all the things that I thought I had known about this person were exposed as false. A real practitioner with good intentions would have informed the person they were helping in an honest and straightforward manner; not so with this individual.
Right after discovering what this man was, we began noticing some problems. Astral viewing showed that there were links connected from Me to the man, and that those links had a way of spreading to other people who happened to come into contact with me. The other associates of my friend figured out how to burn off these secondary links from themselves (and weren't too happy to be around me after having to do so either) and I was informed of what they did. I was also taught how to create astral structures and servitors for my own protection. The holidays at the end of that year were extremely traumatic for me, with psychic warfare between myself, my friends, and this person being the norm.
More spiritual contacts began appearing in our lives such as 'dragons' (by whatever name you may call those particular elemental spirits), and they imparted their knowledge and assistance in the matter. When everything was put into proper perspective, this man that we were fighting against really wasn't all that powerful at all. His methods were actually quite crude and unrefined, although he'd been practicing for quite a number of years. His biggest mistake? Thinking he could do anything he wanted to anyone because he believed he had knowledge no one else had. He had an ego problem, probably even believed that his work was 'Holy' in some way, and therefore justified the use of other people's personal energy. Because of an energy imbalance, he was unable to properly metabolize energy from the universal energy field around him like most people, so he apparently found a way of sucking partially metabolized energy from other humans and was attempting to construct an Enochian temple. (Who knows what he might have tried if he succeeded?) Looking at him a few years later, the perceptual distortion and energy imbalance he suffers from is readily apparent. With a little digging around astrally, we found that he'd done the exact same thing before in previous lifetimes in the pursuit of personal power for its own sake. It took very little effort to stop him from attacking us and victimizing others once we knew what he was doing (we counted at least 15 others that the energy links had spread to). I did notice that he spent time looking generally bummed and approaching alcoholism after his 'wings' were clipped...
I thought I'd seen everything after that bad experience was out of my life...I should have known.
After meeting yet another new friend seemingly by accident, life took a weird turn. This new person was a few years older than me, and generally a nice guy. He seemed completely uninterested in anything of a paranormal nature at first, and had even served in the military for a number of years. I was surprised later when the 'mask' came off to reveal an esoteric practitioner of talent and skill that did not seem human at all. (An aura of 100+ feet in diameter is not something that is considered normal for a human. The dude looked like the SUN, ok?) This man grew up and graduated high school believing in hardly anything spiritual at all until he had been put into a situation where he was forced to 'turn-on' and start defending himself astrally. He learned most everything he knew from non-physical sources, and used methods of energy working that made absolutely no sense to me at the time. It was mind-blowing to think that such secretive people existed in the world and go about their business in magick without telling a soul what they do in the service of their fellow human beings. There are many people who claim to be something they are not in an effort to enhance their egos or develop a following of worshipers, but to me, the TRUE mages such as this do nothing of the sort. Most of them tell no one their business and they usually incarnate for a particular purpose.
It was after this meeting and unveiling that more serious situations of astral defense came to be, making anything I had seen from the first corrupt magickian seem like child's play. Being the least practiced of the bunch, I probably had the most trouble learning so much new information. I came close to death several times and spent much of the time paranoid. My mental stability suffered quite a bit since I still had not taken the time to clear out all of my personal internal issues and conflicts that had built up over years and lifetimes. It became necessary for my friends and mentors to reconstruct whole sections of my consciousness to fix the instability on several occasions. I was surprised how much can change in my perception of the world just by altering a few energy 'circuits' here and there within my auric fields. I learned as much from these experiences during this time as I possibly could, and will probably be spending the rest of my life attempting to understand everything I saw.
I have lost some of my contact with those individuals over the past few years as I struck out on my own to practice what I had learned as I saw fit. Everyone changed and moved on to continue their lives in different areas and interests leaving me to do the same. I am very fortunate that when life started to take a turn for the worst, I bumped into those few people of extraordinary skill who gave me a taste of what REAL magick was all about in a hurry. If it hadn't been for their patience and generosity, I wouldn't be here to talk about these experiences now.
After the stressful college years ended, life mellowed out for a while and I began to work more on my original goals of spiritual alchemy and self-discovery. I got back into Enochian magick, which I had only experimented with in a free-form fashion until then, and have since been exploring it more in depth than ever before. I also decided that I needed to give something back to others, and so I began to branch out and see exactly what types of activity were going on in the main-stream world of magick today. I was greatly disappointed with the immense numbers of oblivious fluffy bunnies who insisted on calling themselves something they were clearly not, and decided to create a place on the internet where others like myself who had SEEN just how deep the rabbit hole of reality goes could perhaps meet each other. That was the Real Magick and Occult Forum on Yahoo. A short time after making myself available online I began to receive a ton of opportunities and requests to provide information on magick everywhere I went. After getting tired of typing the same things over and over again I created a website that they could use to learn some basic techniques on their own. This is an extension and revision of that original site, and offers far more personal information than that site ever did.
Where am I going from here? Reality is infinite...All things are interconnected. My plans are to continue to practice what I have learned in my daily life, assist others as much as possible, and work on making myself into the best 'me' that I can be while studying the nature of this infinite reality that runs around and throughout us all. I'm just a human being like anyone else, and I only want to be left alone to perform my true will and continue to assist others who find themselves on a similar path to mine. I view it as my job to speak out honestly about these topics just as I have experienced them, with no falsification on my part. It is NOT my intention to engage in any form of self-glorification. I hope you enjoy my information and find it educational.
Love to Will, Will to Love
September 19, 2000